


Confessions in Limbo

by zephyras13



Series: Exiles [12]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Confessions, Drabble Collection, Exile, F/M, Flashbacks, Guilt, Powerlessness, Present Tense, Regret, Romantic Friendship, Roommates, Training, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-07
Updated: 2012-04-07
Packaged: 2017-11-03 05:17:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/377710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zephyras13/pseuds/zephyras13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rukia never talks about the Soul Society and Ichigo is curious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions in Limbo

"So what's up with the Soul Society?" he asks Rukia a couple weeks after Aizen's attack. They're in Urahara-san's underground training facility, trying to get a hold on their new found powers, resulting in Ichigo shattering every fake mountain into pieces and Rukia freezing the healing hot springs straight though. They're taking a break now, slumped against a large boulder, Zangetsu stuck in the earth beside him and Rukia looks surprised at the question.

"What do you mean?" she replies, wiping sweat off her brow, still clasping her white zanpakutou. It's strange to see her in shihakushou again, even stranger still to see her freeze things with her sword, but hey, it's been a strange couple months.

"You never talk about them," he says simply, kicking out his legs. "Everyone else does. Ishida has his grudge-justified, sure- Urahara-san and Yoruichi-san think they're morons for not seeing Aizen's plan sooner, and their crazy Vizard friends aren't exactly quiet about their hatred of shinigami. What did they mean about you being a noble anyway?"

Rukia cringes and stands.

"Oi," Ichigo says, realizing that maybe this is a sorer spot for Rukia than he'd thought. "Forget it, it's not really any of my busi-"

"The Kuchiki clan is one of the Four Great Noble Families," Rukia says calmly, her back to him. "The Soul Society is a lot more traditional than the Human World. The nobility make many of the decisions that your modern politicians make in your government. I was not born into the Kuchiki clan, I was adopted while I was still training to be a shinigami."

"Adopted?" Ichigo says, surprised, but he guesses it makes sense. She certainly doesn't _seem_ like a noble. "Nobles do that?"

"Usually not," Rukia sighs, and turns back towards him, a melancholy smile on her face, stretching her scarred cheek slightly. "I was told the reason for my adoption is that I resemble the deceased wife of the head of the Kuchiki clan."

"Oh, that's sort of-" Her words connect in his mind and Ichigo freezes, something like a cold hand gripping his heart. He looks at with her with wide eyes and abruptly begins to feel sick. Was she saying-Did he-

"Do not look like that, Ichigo," Rukia says, but there's something like defeat in her eyes. "It was not like you are thinking. Kuchiki Byakuya never once even looked at me in all twenty years I was a part of his household. I imagine my disappearance was more of an easing of a burden on him than anything else."

Ichigo frowns, relieved, but not sure how he feels about this Byakuya asshole. "Why'd he adopt you then?"

Rukia shrugs. "I never found out."

Rukia's always been secretive, and even after that she never talks about her past in the Soul Society. Though a little reticent at first, Yoruichi-san tells him a bit during his Bankai training and Hiyori won't fucking shut up about how much she hates shinigami when he's working with the Vizards two months later. Ichigo learns a lot of horrible things about the overly bureaucratic and ruthless Soul Society over his six month stint as a shinigami, making it even more of a puzzle as to why Rukia misses it so much.

He doesn't find out the whole story until two and a half years later, when he and Rukia finish moving into their new apartment. He knows Rukia a lot better then, has been able to translate her previously incomprehensible quirks into what they might mean for her past. Ichigo knows that despite her noble name, she grew up extremely impoverished, and thus when she tells ghosts about the Soul Society's peace and prosperity, she's probably lying. Sometimes he even suspects that she had to do things to survive that he would rather not think about. He knows she has a hard time making friends, and that she misses being a shinigami, even though she was miserable in the Soul Society. He knows she doesn't even remember being alive, that she's lost people she cared about, and doesn't talk about it for the same reason he doesn't talk about his mother.

Still, it isn't until they order ramen and eat it on the floor of their new kitchen, unopened boxes still piled everywhere, that they talk about the Soul Society once more.

"Do not waste your food," Rukia tells him disapprovingly when he puts down his bowl to get a drink from the fridge.

"I'm not wasting it, geez," Ichigo says, rolling his eyes. He pauses and thinks about what she just said.

"Hey," he says, drinking some green tea straight from the 2 liter bottle, eliciting absolutely no reaction from Rukia. "Do souls need to eat?"

Rukia gives him a strange look, pointing to her bowl. "Of course we do."

"But you're in a gigai."

Rukia rolls her eyes. "Fool, that makes no difference. If one has even the tiniest bit of spiritual power, it is necessary to eat."

Ichigo didn't know that part. "What happens if you don't?"

A closed expression comes over Rukia's face like a window being slammed shut and her hands tighten around her bowl. "You starve."

Oh. So that's how it was.

"Do you miss the Soul Society?" Ichigo asks abruptly, putting the bottle back in their still mostly empty refrigerator.

Rukia frowns. "What kind of question is that?"

Ichigo shrugs. "I just wondered."

She continues to look at him strangely and Ichigo realizes that this is the first time they've talked about the supernatural in months. It's been easier that way, not to have to think about what's left a hole where his heart used to be. But this is _Rukia_ and she's important, and Ichigo wants to know.

Rukia looks down at her bowl and doesn't say anything for a long while. Ichigo doesn't sit back down beside her though and watches the struggle play out over her face.

"Sometimes," she says finally, tapping her fingernail against the ceramic bowl idly. "I miss being part of something greater than myself. I miss having a purpose."

Ichigo's throat goes dry and something in his chest _hurts_ at how close her words hit home.

Rukia takes another sip of her ramen and sighs, still looking at the wall instead of at him. "But...when the Kuchiki clan adopted me...it was different. People treated me different. My only friend stopped talking to me."

Her mouth twists in a parody of a smile. "Kuchiki...it is not really my name, but it is as good as any other, I suppose. I have no other to use in its place, in any case."

Ichigo just stands there and watches her sip her ramen, aware that she is not finished yet. After a minute, Rukia puts down her bowl and adjusts her gaze to the floor.

"I killed my vice-captain."

Shock flares through Ichigo like a white hot knife. "What?"

"It was part of one of Aizen's experiments, though I did not know that at the time. Aizen arranged for my vice-captain to be possessed by a Hollow," Rukia says calmly, in that emotionless voice that means she's anything but. "I had to kill him. It was when I was taking his body back to his family that I saw Aizen for a split second, in the shadows, watching. There was nothing left to stay for after that."

"You..." Ichigo starts slowly, without any sort of idea what to say.

Rukia looks up at him again and smiles sadly. "Do not look like that, Ichigo," she says again. "I cannot go back, and I am much happier here anyway."

Even with no purpose, even with the scars she hides under her gigai: the slash on her cheek, the teeth marks of the first Hollow Ichigo'd ever fought running down the top and back of her shoulder and all across her abdomen, Rukia still finds the strength to stand tall and look forward.

He's powerless now, of course, but Rukia is still with him, still props him up so he can stand tall. If she can do it, then he'll walk in her footsteps like he's always done and maybe, just maybe, things can be okay for them.

**Author's Note:**

> And the angst continues! I'm sure you're all very surprised. Please review!


End file.
